Explaining Republicans To Children..
A page for Republican guidance.
Why I Carry A Gun.
I carry a gun at all times.
Because when people disagree with me and make trouble and make me afraid
It's always nice to shoot them dead.
Why else would I carry a gun?
Why Homosexuals & Lesbians Should Not Marry.
Because if they marry they will be seen to love each other and then they will look more normal.
And then I won't be able to think they are weird as easily.
And I might be tempted to try it.
Why Wall Street Needs No Financial Regulation.
Because when I find a treasure
That treasure is mine.
I can take as much of it as I want, even if it's a lot.
Because I found it and you didn't.
You can't care about someone you do not know.
Why We Should Follow The Bible.
The bible is the word of God.
That's why He had old religious men write it all down specially for us 2000 years ago.
It says that women are inferior and homosexuals are wicked and the church has the most truth
So that we should always do what the church says.
Because they are always right.
They wrote the bible for us, after all.
And they love us.
And don't want us to go to Hell. With the homosexuals and the loose women.
Who am I to disagree?
If people don't follow the bible the world will be an even more evil and uncaring place than it is.
The bible teaches us not to be mean.
That's why people who read the bible are morally superior.
Why There Is No Global Warming
If there is global warming then it will cost a lot of money to fix it.
And I will have to pay that money.
Even though I will be dead before it matters too much to the world.
That would be a waste of my money.
It's better if other people pay to fix it and I can buy myself expensive things now, while I am alive.
I don't feel any responsibility for anything except my own pleasure.
Why Abortion Is Wrong
The bible says abortion is wrong.
And even if it only says it so that there can be more Christians in the world,
It still says it.
If people are stupid enough to get themselves pregnant with babies they don't want
Then it's better if we save the new baby instead of that woman
Even if the mother doesn't want it.
I know better than other people what is best for them.
Because I read it in my bible.
Some things shouldn't be forgiven.
The bible says that too.
Why It Is Foolish Not To Be A Republican
People are bad and the world is bad.
It's a dangerous place and it will never get any better because people are evil.
It terrifies me.
Because I am the only one who is not evil.
That's why I believe in nothing but myself.
Why People Are Bad
People are bad because they care nothing for anyone but themselves.
They lie and cheat and steal to get everything they can for themselves.
They share nothing with anyone else because they feel nothing for anyone else.
There's something wrong with people.
I know all this is true because I am exactly like that myself.
Why I Am A Republican
Because you can't love someone you do not know.
That would just be plain stupid.
Especially when you can give that love to yourself instead.
Even the bible is not always right about everything.
